This morning I woke up to a disaster of a house.
It’s the end of school vacation week and we’ve been very busy with activities and play dates and sleepovers. I’ve had, like, 12 different kids in and out of here throughout the week so needless to say my home needed some attention.
I made my coffee and got down to it.
I was in manic mode steam cleaning carpets and washing dishes and wiping down counter tops. Every once in a while I’d yell out a task for my husband to do and he would complete it then await further instructions. We had a nice little pattern going. But then, around 12 pm, that all changed…
My hubby came into the kitchen, got out a plate and proceeded to dish himself up some leftover Chicken, Ziti and Broccoli. I watched him put it in the microwave and immediately felt a bubble of annoyance begin to form. Because I knew what he was going to do next.
And sure enough: the microwave beeped, he took his plate, got some silverware and then...HE SAT DOWN!
Me: “What are you doing?”
Him: “What am I doing? I’m eating lunch.”
Me: “So you’re just gonna, like, sit there and eat then?”
Him: “Yeah. Why?”
Me: “I mean, we’re in the middle of cleaning. I asked you to take out the garbage.”
Him: “And I will. After I eat.”
Me: “So you think this is just an acceptable and normal time to sit down?”
Him: “I’m not sure I understand the question so I’m afraid to answer it.”
Me: “And you’re sitting at a table. Like you’re all fancy. And you’re...OH. MY. GOD. Did you just use a knife and fork to cut that chicken? This is LUNCH we’re talking about. Do you think you’re out at some high end five star restaurant?”
Him: “Are you being serious?”
Me: “The last time I sat down to eat a meal was 2007. I don’t know who you think you are right now.”
Him: “You understand that you’re crazy, right?”
And he just kept on sitting there eating his lunch like some big fancy seated lunch eater. He also continued to use his utensils appropriately. It was the most aggravating thing I’ve ever seen. I, on the other hand, ate my lunch standing up at the kitchen counter like a NORMAL person. I multi-tasked like a boss as I emptied the dishwasher in between shoving pieces of pasta into my mouth with my fingers.
When he was done he got up and performed this long, exaggerated stretch as if his upscale lunch had physically exhausted him. Do you know what he said then? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HE SAID TO ME?!?!?!
Him: “I’m really tired. This has been such a long week. I’d love to go lie down.”
I think I blacked out from rage at this point but I recovered long enough to tell him my thoughts on this.
Me (whispering menacingly through clenched teeth): “I dare you to go put your body horizontal right now.”
Isn’t marriage fun?