Lost and found
Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
Some really terrible things have happened on this cruise. First and most importantly, I seem to have lost my waist. No seriously, six weeks ago when I got on this ship, I had it. But now it‘s gone. It vanished. I’ve looked everywhere for it. I even went to lost and found. But it wasn’t there. I may have lost my waist forever.
And to make matters worse, the sea air shrunk all my clothes. My blouses won’t button and my “fat pants” are simply way too tight. It’s got to be the sea air.
Although, there is good news. I look like I’ve gotten a face lift and a boob job. Why, you ask? Because my face is nice and plump so my age lines have completely disappeared. There is no need for Botox or Restylene for me. No, just keep bringing on those hot fudge sundaes.
And my breasts are at least one size larger. Of course, I actually have two sets of cleavage, front cleavage and that most attractive back cleavage.
By the way, there are absolutely no scales on this ship. So you have no factual way of knowing if you’ve gained weight. Before my sister Charlene lost 30 pounds, she never owned a scale. She always believed that an exact number was unimportant. She maintained, when your clothes feel tight, you know you’ve gained weight. Based on the “shrinkage” problem, I’m pretty convinced I’ve packed on a few pounds.
But in order to really start the dieting process, I needed a reality check. There are two ways to determine if you are really “overweight”.
You can put on a bathing suit. However, seeing it is 15 degrees, that isn’t an option. The other way is to put on sexy lingerie and take a look. I needed a visual to show me just how fat I’ve become. My lingerie would show me. So, I put on Scandal fully expecting to look like the side of a barn. But no, because of the stretch lace (that nips and tucks everything) and the strategic pattern of the flowers, I looked good. Then I tried on Soiree. Unbelievably lovely. I looked delicious! It emphasized my voluptuousness and hid my “six month pseudo pregnant” midriff. Next was In Style – looked great! And finally Flirt – still quite fab! I am going to sue UndercoverWear. How can THEY do that to me? I may never want to diet!
So let me think about this again. I can continue to enjoy caviar and drink champagne, do absolutely no exercise and still look and feel sexy. How bad could that be? Oops, I have just realized that I have to actually put clothes on and worse than that, take them off. Oh well, I just won’t look in the mirror! Problem solved.
Hold a second, a package just came in from UndercoverWear. Be right back.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I open the package????? Why did I order “At Your Service”? Why did I actually try it on? And, what young skinny b**** at UndercoverWear decided to put ruffles around your hips???? Finally, what comedian at UndercoverWear decided to send me “Fever”? I can’t get my right thigh into it!!!
That’s it! I’m heading to the gym. I hope I can find it! It’s got to be someplace on this ship. In the meantime, Gina, can you please send me Empress ASAP!!!!
From Cold South America but with Warm Aloha,
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